The Outcast Kings

Theod's Log - Down with the Sickness (B.T.S.)

Day 28:

I think I caught some nasty virus when our merry band of troglodytes butchered the Mite “army.” It is difficult to breath, my head is pounding, and could barely walk. I relayed my health status to the group. They left the camp quickly after that, many of them so harried that they neglected to say goodbye. Krom seemed especially ready for adventure, actually. They must have been anxious to perform their duties in the name of the Sword Lords. Funny where this round of enthusiasm sprouted from. I could still hear their songs long after they left the fort.

Oleg previously offered free food and a bed to rest in, so I’d be a fool not to take up on this offer.

I best keep this entry short and sweet. I tried to stretch and my head started swimming again, nausea attempting to force itself upon me. I agree with the guidance of the pulsating hedgehog growing from my foot: I should get some rest.

Day 29:

The hallucinations, and their excellent financial advice, surround me no more. At breakfast, I entered a long, in-depth conversation with Oleg on the nature of illusionary magic (a topic I, must humbly admit, am quite well-versed in) and exactly how one can properly weave the figment’s of another’s mind to one’s benefit. Oleg was certainly interested, if quiet. He spent most of the conversation with his eyes closed, meditating on the tapestry of discourse I wove.

I thought of mother today.


As I’ve always said, idle hands do little but cause mindless mischief; thus, I decided to cause PRODUCTIVE mischief. This ‘vacation’ of mine would certainly be well-spent honing my craft. I finally uncovered how to make my illusions talk! With some slight application of Ghost Sound, along with some bending of-

the following eight pages contain numerous scratched-out hypotheses, a multitude of diagrams depicting magical theory, an indecipherable scrawling of notes, and a crude drawing of Krom crying before a fanged, six-headed puppy

- and such is how I could FINALLY create a conversation partner worth talking to. Pity the spell dissipates so quickly, but I will surely overcome such hurdles.

By the time dinner came round, I was famished. I desired to share my extensive notes with Oleg, but the man quickly refused me. He assured me that he was quite busy, as he just then realized that he had to go fix the stable door. It’s actually quite funny how often that door breaks. It’s quite the coincidence how it always breaks whenever I need to speak with someone in the fort. A shame, really. The frontier could do with more intellectual discussion.

Day 30:

My sickness is no longer a major concern at the moment. Thanks to the caring hospitality of Oleg and his wife, I am swiftly regaining my strength!

In my previous entry, I mentioned my thoughts towards MOTHER. I realize I’ve been thinking of her more and more recently. I cannot fathom why, but it all started right after I blew up that mite with a ray of blinding light. A strange train of thought to say the least. I can hear her now. “Theod, dear. Stop playing with your ghosts and come see your brother’s new accolade.” “Oh Theod, your baby brother just cast his first Magic Missile! I remember when you cast your first Magic Missile! The weeks just fly by!” “Theod, your sister wrote us a letter! She strangled a dragon to death with Mage Hand. I bet your illusions can’t do that, huh? Do you want a pie?”


once again, tear stains make the next four pages an indecipherable mess


Hmm, I wonder how my comrades-in-arms are faring on their adventure? Hopefully their spirits are as high as they were when they left me here. Although they are equals intellectually, I do admire them all despite their… eccentricities. I do hope they return safe somewhat alive.

Mouse's Log: For Whom the Bell Tolls

Day 28/29: Added Incentive (that isn’t money)

Today we found an old shack on the opposite side of the river, and a bell on our side. After a moment’s debate, Isa rang the bell (as expected; I don’t know why we debate anymore), and as soon as it rang something sprang up from the water and began to shamble towards us. It turned out to be undead, so naturally our first thought was to attack it. Until it told us to wait and hear it out. Some of my teammates seemed a little bit uncertain about this, but I was genuinely curious. I managed to convince them to hold off on killing the dead man for a while so we could learn his story.

His story was simple. He was killed by the Stag Lord because they didn’t quite see eye-to-eye about money and bridges. But somehow, despite being killed, he managed to revive himself through sheer force of will. I almost hope that if I die, I’m angry enough over it that I can bring myself back. Without the side effects, of course.

In any case, we’ve now been tasked with taking down the Stag Lord lest we face the same nightmares that briefly plagued Wakka.

Good thing we were going to do that anyway.

Day 30: We should invest in some rags next time

The plan was to infiltrate the bandits’ stronghold and wreak complete havoc. Krom, Wyn and I decided we were the three that were most likely to be able to fool and/or intimidate the bandits into letting us in, and having an amulet and password that we took from bandits a while ago seemed like it would be enough to get us in.

Clearly I need to stop underestimating our enemies’ intelligence. Or overestimating my own cunning. (Most likely definitely the former.)

We were seen through right away and were (surprise surprise) forced into another fight. Only this time, half our muscle was too far behind to be of any use. Which means taking care of the bandits was left up to me, who can’t hit a damn thing to save her life; Wyn, who hurt herself by falling down in a tree; and Krom. So we weren’t completely screwed over. He gave a few of the bandits an absolutely terrifying glare (I think I’ve mentioned in the past how glad I am he’s on our side), which hindered some of them a little bit. Good thing, too, because he wasn’t hitting much today either. The bandits were taking themselves out, mostly.

Isa, Giles, Wakka and Mikmek showed up right when the fight was about to end. Appreciated but probably not necessary at that point.

Somehow, we managed to kill most of the bandits (or rather, the bandits did) and I escaped unscathed yet again. A few escaped and one surrendered. We squeezed some information out of him, but I’m not sure how much good it’ll do us. I’m not entirely sure what an owlbear is, but I don’t think I want to find out anytime soon. In any case, the bandits have been alerted to our presence.

Let’s see how long our luck lasts.

Wyn's Log "Reckless Abandon"

Day 28, 29, 30 – I am hastily scrawling this out as we search the bodies of bandits we have just slain. Two mornings ago we started out along the river and followed its course. We came upon a bell on a post and a rundown shack over on the other side of the river. Isa rang the bell a few times. An undead came shambling out from the river. Wakka immediately dove into the water and grabbed the undead being. Using a… natural ability of mine… I was able to question it about its presence here. It was once the man whom ran the toll bridge. It wanted revenge on the Stag Lord for tearing down the bridge and murdering him. Best to put the thing down, I told it that we were going for the Stag Lord already anyway, and that it should have stayed dead the first time – I channelled healing energy out at the ghoul and with Wakka and Mikmek in the water attacking and Isa and Mouse and I at the bank with ranged attacks we took down it down. Or so we thought at first. It collapsed into river water and was gone. But that night Wakka had strange and terrible nightmares. He was not able to sleep well after that… we knew we had to returned to the bell by the river. The undead – maybe ghost? – returned and bade us to kill the Stag Lord, ‘else the nightmares would continue for all of Wakka’s life. I have yet to learn how to destroy or purify such a being so in such an inauspicious situation we reluctantly agreed to this task.
We continued down the river and came upon a keep. We didn’t really think for too long before deciding that Mouse, Krom, and I would go up to the gates and try to pass ourselves off as bandits with the stag head amulet we had retrieved from some bandits prior. They asked for a password and fortunately Mouse had remembered the one used at the bandit camp we raided. Unfortunately it didn’t convince them and they immediately sounded the alarm. Krom took position at the gates and let out the most fearsome grimace/grumble I have ever experienced in my life. Thinking back on it I’m not sure why it was so frightening, but it really was, like nothing I had ever seen before – I guess you had to be there. It did its work on the bandits though, and they were mostly unable to hit us with arrows and hit each other instead! Our luck had finally started to change. Poor Krom took all the heat though, so I stayed behind the wall and healed as needed. The others had to make a mad dash across the field to the gates so we were on our own for awhile. Giles was the first to arrive. I wasn’t able to see perfectly but I think the bandit leader crushed a fallen comrade beneath his feet to advance to Krom. MikMek has also arrived and made a daring leap over Giles to get into the keep and join the battle. I stayed back for most of the fight until one bleeding bandit remained – a couple seemed to have fled somewhere… We interrogated him about the others inside and regarding the Stag Lord. He didn’t have a ton of information but did tell us about the others high in the command chain and an “owlbear”?? I haven’t seen one before… it sounds cute.

(I didn’t have a lot of deets this time so stuff might be wrong… =\)

No more nightmares! Thanks Krom :D

Day 28:

Zombie man shambleing at me. I miss noodleman humour, he understood

me. It was a fun swimming experience. Bad dreams though. So much

nightmare, being drowned sucks. The nightmares seem to have gone

thanks to Krom.That is why he pat my back :).

Day 29:

We come across camp. Also Micmac came onto shoulders for river


Day 30:

I throw staghead amulet at mouse. Now she can pretend to be bandit. We

fighting too many bandits to count. Krom getting shrekt but we managed

to beat up more men and save one bandit. God thing horned women can


Sootscale Impressive, but tiny, lizardman.

Day 26:

I meet up back with friends in spooky cavern. Not sure why they are there. I did miss the warm-bloods, Giles likes playing with noodle man.

Met new lizard friend Mic Mac. He also likes deer meat _ and is smaller than the average lizard man.

I hear noodleman succeeded in killing insects. Impressive.

We fight mites with giant tick. Fuck bugs, good thing they are easy to kill. Chrom turned leader into blood mist.

We then go to different room in cave. Very smelly, killed more bugs. I hate this place.

Day 27:

Received lots of money. I do not know why but I will bury it with the rest of my shiny things.

Day 28:

Meet suit-scales and mr.suit scale. The live in shiny walls and seem nice. Knack-pick is mic meks friend. mic mek took lots of credit, but I don’t care much. Apparently statue was bad and was destroyed, invitation to help clan!Too bad sootscale didnt know statue wasn’t magical :<.

Giles didnt hit shit in this fight. I should feed him more, poor thing.

Also atleast I got shiny bracers that make me stronger. Chrom and I should wrestle someday…too bad he doesnt speak good language.

Day 29:

More dosh from swordpeople. What will a druid do with all this money.

Wyn's Log "Better Days"

Day 26 continued… While we were recovering from our encounter with the giant centipede, our lizard friend Wakka suddenly came from nowhere! We were taking longer than the errand that he had left to go do, and so he tracked us all the way down into the mite lair under the tree. (Though really, once you found the tree, I’m sure it was quite apparent where we had ventured down in the lair. Our trail of scrapes along the walls, mites splattered and left dead…) He gave Mikmek some deer meat and they seemed to be good friends after that. Maybe it’s a lizard thing?? We continued on to the next cave and found the war room of the mites. They had been planning their assaults on the kobolds here and had a map made from dirt and garbage on a short little table in the middle of the “room”. The fight was easy for the others; the mites were never really that formidable – even with their huge bug that the leader rode. My bad luck persisted though and I was unable to hit any foe… I kept tripping on the dead bodies of the mites that were piling up (I wasn’t able to land a hit on a blinded and entangled mite. I can’t criticize the others ever again after that… I don’t know if any of them noticed though…) We got the kobold’s statue for Mikmek and went back up toward the surface. We couldn’t resist checking out the end of the other tunnel though and had to fight a couple large (but smaller than the last one) centipedes in a disgusting, filthy breeding room. And again…. I tripped over one of the dead ones and wasn’t able to hit a damn thing… let’s just skip the rest of the day… we went back to camp and got some payment from previous deeds. Something about a wedding ring too. I wasn’t present for the initial conversation.

Day 27 – We set out for the kobold’s camp to return the statue with Mikmek leading us. Another kobold confronted us at the entrance and once Mikmek explained to him that we had retrieved the statue he became excited and lead us into their lair. As we passed through the underground halls, more and more kobolds would see us and begin to follow. Theod was going on and on loudly about how brave and heroic he was. I think the kobolds might have actually been impressed. This sort of thing would work in our favour so I didn’t say anything. We finally were taken to their leader, Sootscale, and presented the statue to him. He took a good long look at it. And then he raised it up over his head and smashed it into pieces on the floor. And we stood there in shock for a moment. We were filled in on the history of these tribe of kobolds and the one who was slowly destroying them. So naturally we agreed to oust this usurper (oust really meaning slay – the good destroy the evil but we sure do a lot of murdering). As soon as I walked into the shaman’s room I knew right away that this was all made up believe fakey fakey fake. It was all for show, but this “shaman” did know some magic. I didn’t have to do much. Our party basically helped Sootscale take down Tartuk once and for all. It was like a weight had been lifted off the tribe of kobolds. And once they found out that we had also cleaned out the mite’s lair they were overjoyed and offered us their spoils of war. It was adorable. We took a few items, got that wedding ring, and Mouse picked up a journal that looked like it belonged to Tartuk. We went back to camp and returned the ring. I used a spell to read the journal – turns out it was Tartuk was a gnome sorcerer who was resurrected as a kobold. Stranger than fiction, I tell you…

Mouse's Log: Cower before our Mite

Day 26: We continue to climb down trees

Once everyone had healed up after fighting the giant bug, we decided to get a move on. Before we could, though, Wakka and Giles showed up. I’m not entirely sure how they knew where we were, but it was kind of nice to have them back. The more people we have with us the better.

After a little bit more exploring we came across what I assume was some kind of command room, if only because there were some mites surrounding a small table in it. The table had a statue on it, which was clearly what Mikmek was looking for. It also had a ratty old tablecloth. Points to the mites for trying to spice their quarters up, but I think next time they should try something without checkers. Maybe something green.

The mites spotted us almost immediately. Fortunately, we were planning to engage them in battle anyway, so sneaking up on them didn’t matter. They were pretty easy to dispatch. Even I managed to kill something, which is saying a lot. Not that these simpletons will appreciate it (or even remember it, probably)… So apparently I’m only useful in giant trees too.

While everyone was adequate to some extent, I think Isa stood out the most this time. She performed an unnecessary leap over the footstool — table, sorry — and punched the tick we were fighting, killing it instantly. The girl may be impulsive (or stupid, I haven’t gotten to know her well enough to know which yet), but she’s certainly got style.

Mikmek got his statue back and carried it out. I would have offered to give him a hand, since he seemed to struggle a little as he dragged it along, but I’ve learned that when I offer to hold on to something for people, they tend not to trust me to give it back. And besides, the little guy was so proud of his statue it may have seemed like an insult if I’d taken it from him. Instead I took some of the stuff from the sack we found under the table.

I thought our adventure in the mites’ lair was over after we found what we were looking for, but unfortunately my teammates wanted to check out the remaining room. Big mistake. There were more bugs. And I don’t even want to mention what else was in that room. I feel a little queasy just thinking about it. Fortunately, we weren’t in there for too long, and it just made getting back outside to the fresh air all the better. I’d nearly forgotten how much I missed the sky!

… Plus I’m really sick of bugs.

We returned briefly to Oleg’s and found a package waiting for us. Apparently our employers saw fit to reward us for our efforts, even though we hadn’t finished the job yet. We all happily lined our pockets. I think Krom was almost as excited I was to grab a handful of gold.

Day 27 (?): Curses and Blessings

Just before we set off again, we were asked about the ring we were looking for. I had almost forgotten about it, since we hadn’t found anything that could lead us to it. Until Mikmek revealed that he’d seen it, that is. So we made our way to his home. Outside there was a small cage holding a mite. I felt bad for it, and for a moment debated releasing it, but in the end I decided that it would be a bad idea, if only because we’d just helped Mikmek and his tribe win a war against the mites. And there was another Kobold watching us, and I doubt he’d appreciate us liberating his prisoner. Mikmek explained to the second Kobold, Nakpik, why he brought us home with him, and he lead us through the caves. We ended up picking up a train of fascinated Kobolds. It was almost like we were royalty except for the fact that we were still poor and dirty.

Then we met actual royalty (sort of) and paid him tribute with the statue we found. He didn’t seem to like it at all. Rather than display it like the proud symbol I assumed it was, he smashed the damn thing right in front of us. Ungrateful bastard. He quickly explained that destroying the idol would break some sort of curse. I don’t know much about curses, but I’m still pretty miffed that we went through all that trouble for nothing…

We decided to tackle the real source of the curse, a Kobold shaman and would-be usurper. I’m still not too clear on the actual terms of the curse, but I feel like killing him off was the right thing to do. He was murdering the other members of his tribe in the name of appeasing a dark god, or so I gathered from our translators. Sootscale certainly seemed to think we were in the right, and thanked us for all we’d done. In fact, he even allowed Mikmek to accompany us on our journey. So coupled with getting the ring back, I’d say we made out quite well. I decided to hold on to the ring until we could return it. If there’s one person that will absolutely not let anything of value out of her sight, it’s me.

Once we returned to the trading post, I handed the ring over. Oleg’s wife was delighted, of course. The two of them agreed to grant me credit towards any goods they carried for keeping it safe. I’m not entirely sure why I was the only one to receive this gift, but I sure as hell am not going to complain!

I think I’ll use some of this credit to buy the others a couple of drinks. We deserve a night of fun after effectively stopping a war and saving an entire tribe of Kobolds.

Krom Not Rich Enough. Maybe kill Stage Magician and sell magic stuff.

I tire of Lizard Dogs and Small Blue Things. One would imagine such wars be great and mighty and honourable, but all of them are too small to be great. They are easily scared and impressed, and their treasure is worthless. They are so stupid they think dumb statue is cursed relic. I cannot believe we went through tiny tunnel to find some dumb hunk of rock actually, that is par with course.

What is worse, I must share with useless Dronk and Squirrel. Even worse, I am forced to listen to Stage Magician spout sense of accomplishment. He accomplishes nothing but indigestion for giant insects.

It has been nearly one cycle of the moon, and wealth is elusive. I expected danger and riches, yet I encounter neither. Giant fuzzy insect and mite were of little difficulty, though improvement over boar and stupid wolfman. Lizard Dog Priest was also of no match. I gave him weak snarl and he nearly wet pants I am sure. Do Lizard Dogs wear pants? Must consult with Mik-mek.

At least Lizard Man come back in middle of tree-tunnel. I missed him, and he make better company than Stage Magician or Dronk. Even if I don’t understand him. Or maybe that is why I like him.

Only good thing is present I find at Oleg’s. It seems someone recognizes efforts. New arrows look nice. Would have preferred nicer sword though.

Diary of Krom Greyfoot

Day # ... what is it,11??? I think it’s day 11. It can’t be more than 14… DAY #11.

I’m getting the sinking suspicion that I’m falling short of my team’s expectations of a monk…
Sure, I haven’t gotten a chance to pull any Badass Martial Arts Skills, but I’ve pulled some exemplary maneuvering moves and just the other day I drank myself into a stupor and wandered around lost for a solid few days, just like “Grand Master” used to do! I mean what else is there to being a monk?
Okay, maaaybe trying to grapple with the giant centipede wasn’t the wisest thing to do… yeah, I almost killed the tiny dragon (I put that on the Drink To Forget list for later) BUT HE SEEMED PRETTY GUNG-HO ABOUT TAKING ON THAT HUGEASS BUG AT THE TIME AND I kind of SAVED HIS SCALY ASS FROM THAT FALL ANYWAY.
Thankfully that cleric was there to heal us a bit WHERE DID SHE COME FROM ANYWAYS?
Speaking of useful, Noodle Wizard actually did something this time around and Mouse hit something for the first (and only) time I’ve seen since I met her. Krom was the strong arm, as usual. He literally bisected one of those Blue Things. LITERALLY. HE CLEAVED THE DAMN THING IN TWO WITH HIS SWORD.
Oh yeah, the Blue Things were some wierdass blue goblin thingers we found in the caves we explored. Mouse and I snuck up on a couple of them throwing globs of I Don’t Wanna Know into each other’s mouths with a catapault ?
I SAID to take them out now before they get a chance to attack us but NOOO!
“Let’s sneak away,” they said. “Let’s find another way,” they said. “The monk’s speaking drunken nonsense again,” they said.
And what happened?
Those Blue Buggers grabbed some of their Blue Buddies and attacked us. They didn’t pack much of a punch but they were a BITCH TO DEAL WITH.
Anyways, we’re resting for a bit while Mystery Cleric (I think her name’s Win??? With a name like that she’s probably better off with a different group…) CURSES I THINK THEOD SAW ME WRITINGpretendtobenursingabottlenotapen pretendtobenursingabottlenotapen preten-

Theod's Log - More Adventures in the Tree and Kobold Politics

After tending to the drunk and the kobold, we went on our merry way. We quickly uncovered the Mite “High Command” (a shitty table draped in a ratty, checkered cloth) discussing their offensive against the kobolds. Another melee ensued. Wakka used the roots around us to snare the Mites. I almost repeated my success with Blinding Ray several times, blinding three of them (the leader included). Towards the end of the melee, Isa performed a dramatic frontflip over the table. A little unnecessary, since I believe our half-orc could step over the whole table without a problem. She performed a flying punch to the tick, killing it. Admittedly, that was pretty cool. As Giles latched onto the leader, Krom was able to impale the poor bugger.

Mik-Mek was able to find the idol he was looking for, it being as big as he was. Wyn and Isa expressed great interest in a filthy sack under the tiny table. It held onto the gear the kobolds had before they were captured. We explored the liar a little more, uncovering a LOVELY little getaway. Shit, tick eggs, centipedes… I was unfortunately out of castable spells, so I had to sit out from his melee. I tried to help out by creating the sound of a predatory bird with Ghost Sound. I realize that centipedes can’t exactly be intimidating, but I don’t exactly want to do nothing (that’s Mouse’s job).

We eventually killed the bugs and quickly left, not wanting to spend too long in that wretched smelling place.

Mik-Mek led us to his clan’s mine. We could tell due to the poor Mite left outside as a warning. A forward scout approached us and Mik-Mek convinced him that we were friendly. With the idol held aloft, we followed them into the camp. More kobolds joined us as we ventured deeper into the caves. Sadly, the traps our guide (Nak-Pik?) pointed out the “cleverly hidden” traps throughout the caves. According to him, we had virtually wiped out the Mites. I told them about my magical prowess, blinding and exploding many of the Mites. Everyone was impressed. We met the Kobold leader, Sootscale, leader of the Sootscales (clever naming rituals amongst these Kobolds). A surprisingly imposing figure for a Kobold, he was excited to see Mik-Mek returning with the sacred statue.

Then he smashed it. Apparently the statue was cursed. As far as Wakka, Wyn, and I were able to tell, it was just a statue (at least I’m certain they were casting Detect Magic as often as I was; I’m ALWAYS prepared, so why wouldn’t they be inspired by my example?). As long as they’re happy needlessly smashing things, I won’t spoil their jubilations.

The tribe was used by a purple-scaled shaman (Tartuk?) weakening the tribe (thinking the statue being the source of the curse) with magic and sacrificing the sick and dying to a dark god. Us being violent idiots for hire, we immediately agree to kill the guy. We approached the “shaman’s” liar with a horde of Kobolds at our back. Wyn and I immediately noticed exactly how much of a con this guy was playing. He was just waggling his fingers over a pot of what smelled like his lunch (it smelled awful, I think that’s what was poisoning the tribe: his cooking). We bum-rushed the guy, killing him fairly quickly. There were so many allied bodies in the mix that I couldn’t risk unleashing my powerful illusions. At the very least, I conjured the image of a mighty skeleton warrior, tricking the shaman into believing that I was a necromancer. Misinformation is a mighty weapon. He quickly believed me and the “commands” given to my “minion.” Long story short, we retrieved Oleg’s wife’s ring, a paltry payment for genocide and a Wand of Magic Missile! Mik-Mek asked for permission to continue adventuring with us. Mouse and Isa seem enamored to the little guy, so why not? I am growing concerned with the scale-to-skin ratio in our party (does Wyn have scales? I don’t even know what she even IS). We returned to Oleg’s for a rest. We had certainly earned it. I plan to relax by enhancing my magical repertoire.


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