The Outcast Kings

Some people don't appreciate meat
Day 17-22

Day 17:

Found a shack and checked out it. I carve deer for strange littleman,

he did not seem to eat meat. But he like cooked deer! I hope his home

stays safe.

Day 18:

Stupid werewolf never die. We wrestle until robot stab to death.Now I

wear his teeth.

Day 19: Nothing happens. Boredom is nice instead of wrestling

invincible wolfman.

Day 20:

We find bridge in woods and cross it. I like rivers. I swim in river.

Day 21:

More exploring. Killed boar, was delicious but I feel bad. She seemed

lonely..but everyone has to eat. Nature is beautiful.

Day 22: Met toadman, he fugitive and lives with pet slug. Like a gross

druid. He seems alright.He likes killing bandits too.Next time I see

him I cook meat.Name is Garuum, with pet Ubagub.

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Theod's Log - Deer Meat, Wolf Meat, Pig Meat, Frog Meet

Day 17:

Once again, I am amazed at the company I keep.

Exploring to the east of Oleg’s we found the alchemist supplying Oleg with potions and other such concoctions. Mouse immediately tricked to trick the odd fellow into believing we were tax collectors. In the frontier. Mouse is a sweet kid, if emotionally unstable, but I fear for her mental faculties sometimes. Of course, the man replied to her in a negative fashion.

In a (kind?) gesture, after watching the half-elf fail to grasp the politics of frontier territory, our scaly druid seemed to want to repay the man for Mouse’s silliness with a dead deer. My knowledge of social convention in this region is sadly lacking, but I can assume that dropping a disemboweled fawn onto a man’s doorstep is certainly a faux pas in most areas I’ve been to. His shock and outrage at this “gift” was only enhanced when the lizard tried to COOK the poor creature on his porch.

Wyn was quiet as per usual and Krom surprisingly caused no property damage. Our monk is still nowhere to be found.

Day 18: Exploring again. Not much to report. Trees. Grass. Werewolf. Rabbits. Nothing interesting, really.

Oh yes, we were attacked by a large lupine monstrosity whilst we slumbered. I tried to blind the accursed thing with a Blinding Ray, but the damned thing can move by smell and sound, I guess. The beast couldn’t hit a soul to save its life (more on that later) throughout the melee, so I clearly saved the day in that regard. No one THANKED me for such a victory for the cause of illusionary magic, so I suspect that my compatriots failed to notice. Idiots, really.

I was able to knock the lycanthrope unconscious with Colour Spray; Krom dealt it a vicious blow and Wakka was able to wrestle it to the ground after that. Then a… thing appeared. To help us apparently. I’m not going to lie, the sight of the automaton startled me, but I was able to keep my composure and-

Theod goes on at length about the mannequin, but the words are unintelligible due to tears staining the page

- and after that clever tactic we had finally slain the beast with no injuries to report. The lizard decided to take the beast’s fangs as trophies. My teeth are still hurting at the thought of such vile dentistry. In retrospect, we ought to have investigated the source of the lycanthrope. Was it a victim of another such devil? We may never know. I’ll be more vigilant in not allowing my companions to ignore such crucial questions in the future.

Day 19:

Things were dull this day. A nice break after being assaulted in the night by a monster, so I’ll take it. I was able to create an amusing illusion of the fighter. He was not pleased by my “mistake” of replacing his visage with a completely different set of cheeks. For such art, the bruises were worth it.

Day 20:

More boredom. The most exciting thing to report is perhaps the crossing of the bridge. A rickety thing, realy; looked as if it would collapse should we have put too much weight on it. Krom and Wakka were especially nervous of the thing. Krom crawled across the bridge like a fool. Wakka swam across the river. Did not know lizardfolk could even swim. Every day is a brand new lesson, I guess.

Day 21:

This current expedition is baring little fruit. If we are not bored of our minds, or harassing those supplying us, we are being attacked by creatures of the forest. A large boar assaulted us today. We were able to overpower the beast before any harm could be done. I am started to feel as if my talents are being wasted. I am no hunter. At least we ate well that night.

Day 22:

Today was interesting to say the least. Whilst exploring a bog, a strange frog thing burst from the waters. It’s name was Garoom or something. It allowed us to explore his realm and share with us some of his knowledge of the region. It also showed us its slug. I didn’t care to remember its name, let alone look at it. It slithered onto my foot. I still can’t wash out the smell. The frog spoke Draconic and I acted as translator. To be frank, I grew bored before long and took some liberties with the frog’s words. I may have accidentally promised the frog Mouse’s hand in marriage. Hopefully nothing comes of that.

Anyway, we left the swamp unmolested. More land charted. More grand adventures had. Tune in next week for when we kick a sickly wolf to death and make note of more alien shrubbery. Huzzah.

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Lizard Man weird; am I racist? Stage Magician still dumb and weak.

It is 17th Day. We find strange shack in middle of nowhere, but with trail straight from fort to here. At first we thought it was empty, but old and perhaps senile man opened door at our presence. For once, stupid Stage Magician did not ruin expedition. Instead, stupid Squirrely Runt say we are tax collectors. I am not tax collector. Why did she lie?

Regardless, old man screams and Lizard Man attempts strange but most likely honourable ritual involving dead deer. I respect Lizard Man’s prowess in fight, but sometimes I find difficult understanding strange Reptilian customs. But I am tolerant man. Except to stupid Stage Magician, who is stupid.

Old man has potions though. I look at wares, but decide to save money for nicer sword maybe. Cleric did not seem interested in potions either, though. Maybe she knows better. Were potions bad? Or maybe she not really cleric. Cleric is off-putting sometimes.

It is 18th Night. I sleep with sword nearby, in case Stage Magician decide to play tricks. But at howl of wolf, I realize we not in for peaceful sleep. I sit up and struggle with chain shirt. For shirt, it takes awful long to put on, but I manage.

We fought werewolf. Stage Magician bored it to sleep, which was good. I dealt mighty blow to its neck, but I discover strong resistance. It was surprising, but I am not frightened. In fact, I am pleased I get to fight monstrous wolf blade versus claw and tooth. I am glad Wolf does not have sword himself. I suspect it may have been end of me. Could always use stupid Stage Magician for shield though. Mannequin put shield to good use, why not me?

Wolf and I were locked in deadly immortal battle. Neither one hurt other. But soon I was bored, and I thought I smelled something in Stage Magician’s pants. It was unpleasant. But Giant Doll come and help me bash Wolf to dead. This was good, but I feel dissatisfied.

20th Day. We march across lands to South, where we may explore better territory than ‘empty’. I am hungry for battle, and money. I wish we could find dungeon with gold and treasure instead of stupid rickety bridge. I dislike bridges. I am not afraid of heights or water, but I like caution. I do not wish to nearly die again. Stage Magician laugh at my caution. Fortunately for Cleric, I do not make her work extra hard with healing.

We go one at time. I was last, but bridge held up. That was okay. Stage Magician dumb for laughing at caution, for I live.

21st Night. My blade is still hungry. We kill giant boar too quickly. Meat tasted like metal. Lizard Man thought it good, but I do not trust tastes from Lizards. Lizard Man is still good man though.

22nd Day. We meet Ugly Frog Man. He keeps giant pet slug, which is also ugly. Not sure which companion uneases me most, giant slug or Lizard Man’s Lizard Dog.

Could not understand Frog Man. Stage Magician said words, pretending to be Frog Man’s. I do not trust him though, but if Lizard Man did not kill Frog Man then he must be okay anyway.

Still, if place is offered for rest, then that is good. We have new base of operations, even if it lacks supplies. We should find horses, maybe empty land to build new outpost. Do not want to disturb swamp man too much.

But for outpost, we need more gold. I hope we find dungeon to explore soon.
Diary of Krom Greyfoot

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Theod's Log - I SET FIRE TO THE WHIPTAIL (and a mite)

Day 24: We traveled back to Oleg’s in order to pick up some more supplies. Our Druid bolted as soon as we made it back. I would pray for the safety of the region’s wildlife, but there is no god that will save them from Wakka’s scaly wrath. Our Monk decided to reappear, apparently done with her “fasting” (does liquor count in that regard?). Anyway, we restocked on my supplies are we are ready to set out again.

Day 26: We’re still exploring. We found a tree. Oh joyous day. The realm is saved. There was a door on one of the roots. It wasn’t really a door, actually; just a minor obstruction, really. We entered a dark cave within the tree. Climbing down a hole, our cleric nearly broke her back. It would be a shame if she perished, she’s one of the only one that isn’t liable to drooling during conversation on magical theory. The cave was cramped. One disadvantage of being human is the inability to see in the dark. I had to hold onto to Wyn’s robes to keep up. I’m not going to lie, but I was somewhat perturbed by this whole scenario. It wasn’t long before we came across a lit chamber. We heard a “VWUP,” but it was probably nothing. We snuck up into the room, uncovering some hellish workshop. According to our Investigator and our Monk, there were two blue-headed creatures shooting something into each other’s mouths with catapaults. I… don’t care to hear about the private lives of monsters, unlike Mouse. I… don’t want to know her opinions on the matter. We TRIED to take leave of the sinful decadence, but our monk was drunkenly insisting we join in on their fun, or something. I couldn’t understand her through her slurring. Mouse was trying to talk her out of it, but then the creatures were upon us. While everyone else flailed wildly, I was able to knock two of them unconscious with Colour Spray and brain one of them with my staff. With a better angle, I surely would have slain the cretin. Isa eventually beat the thing’s head. Eventually, Krom was able to slice one in twain. It was a glorious, but horrifying, affair. I blinded one of them TO DEATH (not a fan of lights, actually; he exploded) after he blew a dart past my head and Krom (violently) introduced another into the side of the cavern. The rest QUICKLY DIED. There was nothing of value on their bodies or in their workshop. Traveling further into the cave, Wyn found some tied up kobolds. Most of them were dead, but the remaining ones weren’t in a good way. We untied the poor bugger, Mik-Mek. He was on a mission to uncover a holy idol of his people before they were captured. We agreed to help him uncover said object. Krom gave the little guy a hand-axe. He used it like a battleaxe. Isa and Mouse wouldn’t stop squealing.

More exploring of dark passages, clutching onto to someone whom can actually see. While we scaled across a chasm, we were attacked by a GIGANTIC FUCKING MILLIPEDE (centipede?) . IT TRIED TO KILL TO ME AND IT MISSED SO I KEPT CLIMBING AWAY. When I gained some footing, I cast an Illusion of myself in effort to trick it. The stupid thing kept attacking it, failing to grasp its incorporeal properties and/or existence. What a stupid dunderfuck. Our lush of a Monk tried to ride the damned thing (at least I think that’s what she was doing); she was barely able to catch herself in time… Mik-Mek had equal fortune, catching onto Isa’s foot. I used Blinding Ray on the bug, and it STILL believed my illusion was real. THEN Isa fell down the hole, convincing Mik-Mek to go with her. Fortunately, neither died. WITH A HEROIC WAVE OF MY WAND, I SET IT ABLAZE, KILLING IT INSTANTLY. Needless to say, everyone was impressed. We were able to retrieve our Monk and Mik-Mek (fortunately survived due to Isa breaking his fall)

Wyn is healing up Isa and Mik-Mek as I write. I better wrap this up before we move along.

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Wyn's Log "Just About Done"

Day 18 – I made the foolish decision to rejoin my venturing group, but I have still much to learn and the opportunity for fame and fortune won’t present itself if I stay hidden away in the halls and catacombs of The Lady’s temples, and I so returned to exploring the land in search of the Stag Lord and his followers. We had to make camp in the wilderness, which was routine at this point, and we kept a watch out in turns as the others slumbered. While I was to keep watch during the night it was quiet for first few hours, and then I noticed a figure skulking in the bush – large enough to be of worry – so I roused the others. Unfortunately I had lost sight of it while doing so, but we decided it would be a good idea to start readying our weapons and donning armour just in case. It was a wise decision (after my foolish one that put me here in the first place) as we were charged by a large wolfman. I wasn’t much help in the battle, I mainly stayed at the ready to heal when the time came. It seemed we were caught in a sort of stalemate – our weapons were doing minimal damage at best and luckily we were keeping from harm as well. It’s actually pretty embarrassing remembering it. Out of nowhere our strange puppet friend arrived, apparently he was worried about us, so we had aid and it was actually Zero who managed to slay the beast. It was a long night to say the least. Let’s not run into anymore of those…

Day 19, 20, 21 – Against better judgement I continued exploring with the ragtag group. We came across a bridge that didn’t look particularly sturdy so we took turns crossing. It seemed to just bear Krom’s weight, but that may have only been because of the cautious way he crossed… we didn’t try to test it. We also ran into a wild boar – it wasn’t a difficult kill and now I think the majority of us have a propensity for pork…

Day 22 – We met a boggart today. I believe he introduced himself as Garuum, and he had a pet, Ubagub, as well. I’m glad we were able to have a non violent encounter. I probably shouldn’t have let Theod be the translator, but hey, it’s always entertaining to stand back and watch the others interact. I think Wakka was happy to have someone else to talk to for once. We got a little more information from Garuum, but still no specifics on the Stag Lord’s location.

Day 23, 24, 25 – We went back to the trading post and stocked up again, then headed back out south.

Day 26 – Today we came upon a giant of a sycamore tree. I vaguely remember someone mentioning it, but it’s clearly an easily identifiable landmark amongst the landscape here. There was a peculiar little door nestled between the roots. Upon further inspection we saw that it was ripped from its’ hinges and just rested upon an entrance to a burrow beneath the tree. It was large enough for us to pass through, albeit uncomfortably at best, and poor Krom, well, he managed somehow. In the dim of the tunnel Isa, Mouse, and I lead the way – darkvision is one of the gifts of the abyss I do appreciate, if only the bloodline didn’t manifest physically… I suppose my life would have lead a very different path otherwise. We reached the end of the tunnel where it dropped down on itself. The walls of the tunnel were rooty and created many hand and foot holds, so I attempted to climb down the hole. My feet slipped out from under me and I fell dragging my hands down the wall momentarily in a desperate attempt to grab a hold. I landed hard on my back, the wind knocked out of me. It wasn’t a pleasant start to this exploration to say the least. My nails were bleeding from scraping against the dirt and rock – a bad omen. (Perhaps I’ve healed a comrade on death’s door too many times…?) The tunnel branched into two and we took the path to the right. There was a dim light coming from further down the way and we could hear an odd “vwoop” sound. Isa and Mouse were the stealthiest and went to take a look. They came back describing a very strange scene. Two small, ugly, blue creatures were shooting caltrops into each other’s mouths with a tiny catapult?? That’s what they said anyway… the rest of us were reluctant to go and check it out for ourselves (I’m not sure what Theod thought was going on, but that kid is not quite right in the head, I tell you whut.) Krom started heading back toward the entrance but Isa was insistent that we go on ahead. Theod was having the hardest time seeing in the dim underground tunnel and had taken to clinging onto the closest member of our party (usually me). Krom wasn’t a good choice this time and he promptly crushed the wizard into the wall to express his displeasure (it was hilarious). We stood bickering in that tunnel for too long though and even while we could HEAR the creatures approaching we were too slow to act and suddenly found ourselves besieged by eight of these small blue… well I’m not sure what they were but they were not happy to see us in their home.
… I’m almost too embarrassed to put to paper exactly what happened during our fight. The tight space certainly didn’t help any of us but I’m starting to wonder if perhaps there was not enough air for so many of us exerting ourselves. At first we tried to make a run for it but Krom was the last in our line and now the first in the way out and there was no way to pass around him in the cramped tunnel (that didn’t stop up from trying though). So we turned to fight. And by fight I mean flail around and be useless. Fortunately the little blue creatures acted likewise. It was unnerving to see three of them begin to cast some sort of spell – they waves their tiny hands in the air creating colour lights – I think I stood there dumfounded for a bit. And to really run our incompetence in battle in our faces our useless illusionist (redundant, I know) had knocked out a few of them with a spell and was actually the first to land a sickening blow to the heads of one of our foes. I think Krom finally reached the limit of his patience for messing around and went apeshit bananas on one of them. He literally the cut creature in two. Cleaved right through clean. I didn’t think it was possible. I started to become delirious. I wasn’t able to land a hit as I was just sobbing in confusion from the rest of the pathetic attempts at wounding each other. Even the blue ones were a sad sight to see, with their teeny useless daggers bouncing off armour and I swear, I SWEAR I saw one swipe Mouse with the flat of the blade, almost lovingly?? I don’t think I can trust much of what I remember seeing… Krom had hit one of them so hard that it was just a blue smear across the earthy wall after. Theod hit one of them with a ray of light and it clutched its face in agony and let out finally garbled cry before falling over dead. Death by light… is this serious… I managed to fatally stab one of the unconscious ones with my spear. They were fairly easy to take out, we were just having a very hard time pulling ourselves together at the start…
Things starting feeling normal again when Theod suddenly remembered he had a wand of burning hands with him this whole time… that would have saved us a lot of time… (but it turned out for the best because we would be needing it later!)
We searched the room that Mouse and Isa had seem the two in earlier. It was a strange workshop, but nothing of value or use to us was found. We continued down deeper into the lair. Somehow we all managed to climb down the next drop, even with the help of a rope. I was the first to venture into the new cave. It was a torture chamber with ghastly instruments and devices. There were four kobolds tied up to one of the walls, three of them clearly dead and recently tortured. The one that was still alive wasn’t looking well. When the rest of the party caught up we released the kobold and healed him. Theod and I could speak to him, so we translated for the others. His name was Mikmek. We asked why he was taken. He told us about the war the Kobolds and Mites have been in for a long time, and asked for our help in retrieving an item that the Mites had stolen. Isa and Mouse seemed to be taken by the small lizard so we agreed to help. I was curious to see what else lay deeper in the ground too. Mikmek warned us about some large bugs with many legs. I assumed large spiders again like the one we killed awhile back. I wasn’t prepared for what lay in the chasm.
Continuing deeper proved to be more difficult. There was a wide expanse over a fairly deep drop – the chasm – and another tunnel continued on the other side. It was possible to climb across along the wall by hanging onto the roots protruding from it. Just as we are all clinging to the wall we hear a loud hissing. I looked over at Krom and hoped that that had just been him but he just shook his head and we all knew something terrible was coming. It was huge. I mean HUGE. A monstrous centipede was crawling up the wall straight toward us. I cast Sanctuary on myself and urged my body to continue across to the other side. Some of the others were able to get close enough to make a jump for it. Krom quickly took a shot with his bow and struck it, wounding the centipede greatly. Theod had cast an illusion that kept the dumb beast occupied. It couldn’t figure out that it wasn’t a real being, even after smashing it’s head into the wall as it tried to strike. I should probably give a little more credit to Theod… but it’s just really, really hard to, especially when he opens his mouth… Mikmek tried in vain to intimidate the centipede. I JUST managed to make it across to the flat ground when Theod finally remembered to use that wand. Unfortunately it was a dud charge and barely singed the monster. The illusion was keeping it busy though. Isa is another that I’m not sure is totally sane… she thought she could grapple the HUGE centipede, and while she did manage to take a daring leap onto it, it threw her off almost instantly and sent her flying down the chasm. She did grab onto a hold and saved herself from a serious landing at the bottom. Mikmek was becoming too good a fit for our group as he tried to do the exact same thing as Isa. He was also thrown and somehow caught Isa’s foot. And then Isa tried again!! What is wrong with these people?! Of course it didn’t work and she actually fell this time, taking Mikmek along with her. They were both injured badly from the fall, Mikmek was in bad shape but survived by landing right atop Isa. Thoed readied the wand of burning hands again and strikes a good blow to the centipede. It was too much for it and it reeled back before losing all strength and falling from the wall. It was very, very fortunate that it did not land on our companions below. We got them out from the bottom of the chasm and I channelled some energy to heal us all before pressing on. We needed a break after that ordeal anyway…

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Mouse's Log: Of Mouse and Monsters

Day 17: No wonder he lives alone

Another day of exploring these uncharted lands. Today we decided to head east of our base of operations, and came across a small home in the middle of nowhere. When we went to investigate, a grumpy old codger opened the door and immediately asked who we were. I suggested we tell him we were tax collectors, thinking it would get a laugh from some of my companions. Instead my suggestion was taken seriously and we had the door slammed in our face.

Luckily (?) the man decided to let some of our party (which didn’t include me) inside to sell some potions… after having a deer carcass dropped and then cooked on his porch. It was amusing watching him get all bent out of shape over it. I feel almost bad for Wakka, since I’m quite certain he was only trying to be kind and maybe make up for my social blunder. Next time I’ll keep my voice down when I’m making a joke.

I’m not sure why this grumpy old man was selling potions in the middle of nowhere, but I suppose we now know where to go if we ever need some medicine and some bad company if we end up running into trouble in the east.

…If we come back, I’m breaking his windows. I don’t like him.

Day 18: Werewolf.

We almost got away with having another uneventful day. I would have been happy for something to do to take my mind off our monotonous task had it not meant encountering a nigh-invincible werewolf. It approached while Wyn was up keeping watch, but by the time she roused me from a particularly pleasant dream, she’d lost sight of it. I didn’t dare go back to sleep, even if I would have liked to revisit my old home in my dreams.

As I mentioned before, this werewolf was nearly invincible. Only Krom was able to damage it, although I did manage to stick an arrow into its shoulder. It got torn out immediately. Once again, the only thing Theod managed to do was shoot colours at the beast.

… I hate to admit that his rainbow assaults are actually very helpful when they work.

After a bit of useless flailing about and attempts at grappling, Zero showed up to help us. I still don’t know much about it, and it unnerves me a little bit. But I appreciate the help. We might never have gotten out of that fight otherwise.

Day 20: The Rickety Bridge

We crossed a rickety bridge. Krom didn’t seem happy about it. I don’t blame him.

Day 21: I have acquired a taste for pork

Only one thing happened today. It was a boar.

(Ha ha ha.)

Day 22: King Frog and Pet Slug

Today we explored a mire. It was a welcome change from forests and fields, even if it smelled bad. There were some ruins, and I was eager to explore them. But before I could, some sort of frog creature appeared. Apparently Wakka and Theod could understand it, so Theod translated. I don’t know if I completely trust his translations, because he seems to be a bit of a trickster. I can appreciate that, but he tends to fool around at the most inopportune moments.

This creature’s name was… Garuum, I think, and this was his kingdom. A kingdom of one — or two, rather, since he had a pet slug. In any case, we’re now all apparently vassals of this kingdom and are welcome back whenever we please. It’s nice to know there are some friendly creatures out here that are willing to help us. Unlike Grumpy Potions Man.

Day 24: Return to base

We went back to Oleg’s. It was nice to be back and not have to worry about supplies. Isa rejoined us, but we lost Wakka. This worries me. But I’m happy to have my fellow half-elf back. Let’s just hope her inebriation doesn’t cause too many problems.

Day 26: I thought you were supposed to climb UP trees

We found a massive tree. At first it looked like there was nothing especially noteworthy about it besides its height, but we found a small door near its base. Naturally we entered. I was a little nervous about climbing down the tunnel, since I’m not much of a climber, but I made it down without too much trouble. The same can’t be said for Wyn, poor girl.

The tunnel was dark and narrow, and we all had a hard time navigating it. Thankfully a few of us are able to see in the dark, myself included. Theod is not one of these people, so for the most part he clung to whoever was closest to him.

Eventually we heard a strange noise coming from further down the tunnel. Laughter followed it. I volunteered to go ahead and find out what was going on, since I’m probably the most qualified, given that I used to sneak around for a living. Isa came with me and we managed to get in without being caught. What we found were a couple of ugly blue creatures taking turns to fling things into each others mouths with catapults. It was… strange, to say the least. So we went back and reported to the rest of the group. I think there was a bit of misinterpretation somewhere along the line. Admittedly, I could have phrased things a little better. But my unfortunate phrasing seemed to have paid off, because nobody else wanted to check the room out, and I certainly didn’t want to go back. Krom was sensible enough to want to leave (though I suspect it has something to do with the fact that he didn’t fit in this tunnel very well), and the rest of us agreed with him. Except Isa, who wanted to go back for some reason I can’t begin to fathom. So we argued. And, predictably, stopping to argue meant that those things caught up with us. I wonder if anyone other than me realizes that arguing doesn’t do us any good? Not that it matters, since I usually seem to be caught up in it anyway.

There were eight of them in total. Their number unnerved me a little bit, since the space we had to fight them in was limited, but we managed to hold them off. Barely. I couldn’t hit a damn thing, and some of my companions were having similar luck. Fortunately, they were just as inept as the rest of us. Excpet Krom. Once again he was the hero of the fight. In fact, he slaughtered the things. One of them was cleaved clean in half, and another was reduced to a mere paste on the wall. I’m glad Krom and I are on the same side. If I had to fight him, I would probably run away screaming rather than try to take him. And not just because I can’t seem to hit anything.

Oh yeah. I think the Noodle did something useful other than make colours, but the blue smears on the wall courtesy of Krom kind of made that seem insignificant.

More interestingly, there was a torture chamber further along the tunnel. Wyn scouted ahead of us and found some Kobolds hanging from a wall. Two of them were dead, but one was still alive. We unchained him and discovered that a there’s a war between Mites and Kobolds going on. He was here to take back something that was stolen from him and got captured. He seemed very proud of the fact that he was the one to be tasked with this mission. Wyn healed him up and we agreed to help the adorable little dragon retrieve his item.

As we continued along, we came across a chasm. We decided to try and cross it, but as we moved we were attacked by an enormous bug. Mikmek warned us about it, but I didn’t realize he meant it was this big. So I did what seemed most sensible: I ran. The others did too. Fortunately we all made it to the other side of the chasm, but we still needed to deal with this thing. Theod remembered he could set things on fire, but it didn’t do much good at first. Then he created an illusion that managed to keep the stupid beast occupied. I actually managed to hit it, although I don’t think I did too much damage.

Meanwhile, Mikmek attempted to intimidate it. I don’t know if he realized how futile that was, but it was kind of cute. Okay, really cute. I’m glad we have him with us. I wonder if we can make him a permanent member of our party? He certainly boosts morale.

… Maybe he boosts morale a little too much. Isa seemed to be so inspired by his little show that she felt as if she could grapple… even writing this out seems ridiculous. She jumped on top of it, was thrown off immediately, and barely managed to catch herself. It would have been funny is Mikmek hadn’t seemed to think this was a good idea too and done the exact same thing. Then they tried it again and almost died. I knew Theod was an idiot, but this? I expected better of someone with elven blood running through her veins. Although I think that may have been completely replaced by alcohol by this point. I’ll admit, seeing Isa atop the thing made me wonder what would happen if we tried to tame it. I think it’s better off dead though. I’m not particularly fond of bugs even when they’re tiny.

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, since as it turns out, this tree is the only location in which Theod can be of use to us. He killed the thing with his Wand of Burning Hands and it just barely managed not to hit Isa and Mikmek. We were all surprised. So now we’re taking a short break to heal up and try to come to terms with that hideous creature and what may lie ahead. Because as much as I would like to get out of here, there’s now the possibility that some sort of treasure is involved. And I never turn back when I can get my hands on something valuable.

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Everyone is Dumb. I miss Lizard Man.

It is 25th day. We rest at Oleg’s for some time. Lizard Man had to go for some surely honourable and reptilian reason, and Dronk [Avery’s note: “Drunk Monk”] was finished meditating at barstool. I had good sleep, but could be better had I good fights to dream about.

Why couldn’t dumb Stage Magician go instead of Lizard Man?

Day 26. That means twenty six days of enduring Stage Magician. I am at my limit of patience. As I write, he is dancing around lantern boasting of how he killed giant monster. He is idiot. I shall write down all of day’s events so I may remember the truth.

It began at a large Sycamore tree. We inspect, and find small hole to crawl into. I was last, I was unsure whether I wanted to go into tiny dark space. But, in case of lair full of treasure, I do and make sure Stage Magician or Squirrely Runt does not steal my share of gold.

I regret my decision very quickly, when Cleric nearly dies from fall. If she dies, then I am left with idiots. That is bad.

Squirrel and Dronk go exploring further, after we hear strange noise. They come back with strange story about tiny blue creatures and putting things in mouths. I feel uncomfortable, and suggest we go in some other tunnel, but Dronk argues and we are inevitably attacked by numerous small blue things.

Sadly, they prove no match. I laugh as Stage Magician fails to kill one after ‘hard’ blow. Perhaps I overcompensate, but I was bored. I swung too hard and wide first time, and my blade caught. But as I got used to small space my blade slid through blue creature flesh easily. I occasionally look back at Stage Magician with grim smile, to scare him little bit.

After I chase down last mite and kill it, we continue further down tree lair. I wonder what made such tunnels, because handful of mites are too weak for anything except Stage Magician’s limp stick.

Eventually, we find Dog Lizard. He identifies as Dragon though, but I know Dragons. I do not wish to offend Dog Lizard though, as maybe they are just underprivileged Dragons. Anyway, he is tied up and many other Dog Lizard Dragon-kin are dead after torture. It is truly dishonourable sight, for when I kill Dog Lizards I give them chance to run or fight.

We free Dog Lizard. His name is Mikmek. I give Mikmek tiny axe, but he think it is great battleaxe. I chuckled. He is probably still better warrior than Stage Magician. He warn us of giant bugs, but we think it is spiders. Spiders are not scary.

I digress. We venture down tunnel further, and here we face most monstrous battle. While we climb along growth in tunnel, a giant thing with many legs comes out and attacks. I rush to other end and prepare to draw my bow. It strike it in soft tissue, and beast begins to attack strangely. It keeps attacking something that is not there. Surely my arrow knocked its senses. Of course, Stage Magician is useless again.

I fire another arrow, and so does Squirrelly Runt. We nearly fell the best, but Dronk decided to try and leap onto it. I question the wisdom of this, but Monks are supposed to be wise so I say nothing. Maybe Dronk had too much alcohol though, because whatever she did, it did not work. I should confiscate her ale later.

Stage Magician blasts fire at centipede. It is singed slightly, and falls off wall too weak to hold on. It dies at bottom of pit, where Dronk and Dog Lizard lie. Dog Lizard prove useless, but at least he try to help rescue Dronk. At least, I think he try to rescue. I do not understand what else it would try.

After battle, we rest. I did well with bow, but I wish to test the steel of my blade. If Stage Magician does not shut up, he may just do.

Diary of Krom Greyfoot

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Theod's Log - More Adventures in the Tree and Kobold Politics

After tending to the drunk and the kobold, we went on our merry way. We quickly uncovered the Mite “High Command” (a shitty table draped in a ratty, checkered cloth) discussing their offensive against the kobolds. Another melee ensued. Wakka used the roots around us to snare the Mites. I almost repeated my success with Blinding Ray several times, blinding three of them (the leader included). Towards the end of the melee, Isa performed a dramatic frontflip over the table. A little unnecessary, since I believe our half-orc could step over the whole table without a problem. She performed a flying punch to the tick, killing it. Admittedly, that was pretty cool. As Giles latched onto the leader, Krom was able to impale the poor bugger.

Mik-Mek was able to find the idol he was looking for, it being as big as he was. Wyn and Isa expressed great interest in a filthy sack under the tiny table. It held onto the gear the kobolds had before they were captured. We explored the liar a little more, uncovering a LOVELY little getaway. Shit, tick eggs, centipedes… I was unfortunately out of castable spells, so I had to sit out from his melee. I tried to help out by creating the sound of a predatory bird with Ghost Sound. I realize that centipedes can’t exactly be intimidating, but I don’t exactly want to do nothing (that’s Mouse’s job).

We eventually killed the bugs and quickly left, not wanting to spend too long in that wretched smelling place.

Mik-Mek led us to his clan’s mine. We could tell due to the poor Mite left outside as a warning. A forward scout approached us and Mik-Mek convinced him that we were friendly. With the idol held aloft, we followed them into the camp. More kobolds joined us as we ventured deeper into the caves. Sadly, the traps our guide (Nak-Pik?) pointed out the “cleverly hidden” traps throughout the caves. According to him, we had virtually wiped out the Mites. I told them about my magical prowess, blinding and exploding many of the Mites. Everyone was impressed. We met the Kobold leader, Sootscale, leader of the Sootscales (clever naming rituals amongst these Kobolds). A surprisingly imposing figure for a Kobold, he was excited to see Mik-Mek returning with the sacred statue.

Then he smashed it. Apparently the statue was cursed. As far as Wakka, Wyn, and I were able to tell, it was just a statue (at least I’m certain they were casting Detect Magic as often as I was; I’m ALWAYS prepared, so why wouldn’t they be inspired by my example?). As long as they’re happy needlessly smashing things, I won’t spoil their jubilations.

The tribe was used by a purple-scaled shaman (Tartuk?) weakening the tribe (thinking the statue being the source of the curse) with magic and sacrificing the sick and dying to a dark god. Us being violent idiots for hire, we immediately agree to kill the guy. We approached the “shaman’s” liar with a horde of Kobolds at our back. Wyn and I immediately noticed exactly how much of a con this guy was playing. He was just waggling his fingers over a pot of what smelled like his lunch (it smelled awful, I think that’s what was poisoning the tribe: his cooking). We bum-rushed the guy, killing him fairly quickly. There were so many allied bodies in the mix that I couldn’t risk unleashing my powerful illusions. At the very least, I conjured the image of a mighty skeleton warrior, tricking the shaman into believing that I was a necromancer. Misinformation is a mighty weapon. He quickly believed me and the “commands” given to my “minion.” Long story short, we retrieved Oleg’s wife’s ring, a paltry payment for genocide and a Wand of Magic Missile! Mik-Mek asked for permission to continue adventuring with us. Mouse and Isa seem enamored to the little guy, so why not? I am growing concerned with the scale-to-skin ratio in our party (does Wyn have scales? I don’t even know what she even IS). We returned to Oleg’s for a rest. We had certainly earned it. I plan to relax by enhancing my magical repertoire.

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Day # ... what is it,11??? I think it’s day 11. It can’t be more than 14… DAY #11.

I’m getting the sinking suspicion that I’m falling short of my team’s expectations of a monk…
Sure, I haven’t gotten a chance to pull any Badass Martial Arts Skills, but I’ve pulled some exemplary maneuvering moves and just the other day I drank myself into a stupor and wandered around lost for a solid few days, just like “Grand Master” used to do! I mean what else is there to being a monk?
Okay, maaaybe trying to grapple with the giant centipede wasn’t the wisest thing to do… yeah, I almost killed the tiny dragon (I put that on the Drink To Forget list for later) BUT HE SEEMED PRETTY GUNG-HO ABOUT TAKING ON THAT HUGEASS BUG AT THE TIME AND I kind of SAVED HIS SCALY ASS FROM THAT FALL ANYWAY.
Thankfully that cleric was there to heal us a bit WHERE DID SHE COME FROM ANYWAYS?
NO ONE ELSE SEEMS SUPRISED, HOW LONG WAS I ACTUALLY GONE FOR? Whatever, I guess she’s useful.
Speaking of useful, Noodle Wizard actually did something this time around and Mouse hit something for the first (and only) time I’ve seen since I met her. Krom was the strong arm, as usual. He literally bisected one of those Blue Things. LITERALLY. HE CLEAVED THE DAMN THING IN TWO WITH HIS SWORD.
Oh yeah, the Blue Things were some wierdass blue goblin thingers we found in the caves we explored. Mouse and I snuck up on a couple of them throwing globs of I Don’t Wanna Know into each other’s mouths with a catapault ?
I SAID to take them out now before they get a chance to attack us but NOOO!
“Let’s sneak away,” they said. “Let’s find another way,” they said. “The monk’s speaking drunken nonsense again,” they said.
And what happened?
Those Blue Buggers grabbed some of their Blue Buddies and attacked us. They didn’t pack much of a punch but they were a BITCH TO DEAL WITH.
Anyways, we’re resting for a bit while Mystery Cleric (I think her name’s Win??? With a name like that she’s probably better off with a different group…) CURSES I THINK THEOD SAW ME WRITINGpretendtobenursingabottlenotapen pretendtobenursingabottlenotapen preten-

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Krom Not Rich Enough. Maybe kill Stage Magician and sell magic stuff.

I tire of Lizard Dogs and Small Blue Things. One would imagine such wars be great and mighty and honourable, but all of them are too small to be great. They are easily scared and impressed, and their treasure is worthless. They are so stupid they think dumb statue is cursed relic. I cannot believe we went through tiny tunnel to find some dumb hunk of rock actually, that is par with course.

What is worse, I must share with useless Dronk and Squirrel. Even worse, I am forced to listen to Stage Magician spout sense of accomplishment. He accomplishes nothing but indigestion for giant insects.

It has been nearly one cycle of the moon, and wealth is elusive. I expected danger and riches, yet I encounter neither. Giant fuzzy insect and mite were of little difficulty, though improvement over boar and stupid wolfman. Lizard Dog Priest was also of no match. I gave him weak snarl and he nearly wet pants I am sure. Do Lizard Dogs wear pants? Must consult with Mik-mek.

At least Lizard Man come back in middle of tree-tunnel. I missed him, and he make better company than Stage Magician or Dronk. Even if I don’t understand him. Or maybe that is why I like him.

Only good thing is present I find at Oleg’s. It seems someone recognizes efforts. New arrows look nice. Would have preferred nicer sword though.

Diary of Krom Greyfoot

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